A story about pre-fatherhood

"You'll be able to feel the kicks soon, honey!" My wife was excited. It used to be so long away. So far distant that I wasn't allowing myself to get too excited. We'd had trouble before, and even though we are much farther along this time, I was still bracing myself.

But it's beginning to get real. The anticipation is building. Like a child's anticipation on Christmas Eve, I am approaching my Father's Eve. A time before my wife and I will receive the greatest gift of all. How will I measure up as a parent? This new person will have no idea if I am doing the right things or not. They will love and trust me unconditionally. I am excited and fearful simultaneously at the challenges that will await me. Biologically speaking, I have no reference to draw from as my own Father spent his eves far, far away from me in the growing years. But this isn't about me despite the opening sentence. It can't be about me or my wife as this helpless being will always come first.

The baby is not here yet, but I feel I am beginning to understand. Friends regale me with anecdotes of their children--things to look forward to, things to not look forward to and things to avoid. At once, I see the last bits of my boyhood fade away, for the responsibility on our little family will grow tremendously. I have so much to learn and I have so much I want to teach our child. I overwhelm myself with the details, hoping not to forget the 50,000 foot view. Of course, I've considered the technical things I can provide--webcasts and such. These things are a part of me. Something I know I can offer. Just a small part of what I hope to offer.

As I remember my own childhood, I remember my mother as hard-working. No one wants to work your fingers to the bone. But responsible parents do what it takes to provide. I know there were some struggles, but I never knew the details and never had reason to despair as a youth. As the sun is setting on Father's Eve, I know that I will do what it takes. Thanks to the nature and/or nurture passed to me and my wife, we won't have to work as hard as our parents before us, but we are still prepared to roll-up our sleeves and get to work.

Being a computer guy, I love algorithms, step-by-step procedures to follow and the like. Not so much "flying by the seat of his pants", this is the area I am anxious of. There won't be a program to follow. There won't be a step-by-step guide. No comprehensive "For Dummies" book. It's true that there are many books, but none in O'Reilly reference manual form with a cute animal on the cover and containing all the command line options spelled out. The planner and thinker can still plan and think--he must, but he must remain flexible. He will have to learn when to bend with the breeze like a sapling and when to stand unmoving like a thousand-year old Redwood.

All these things are wrapped up inside. But mostly, I look forward to the excitement fatherhood brings. The nine month evening of anticipation and preparation is in itself an event. I will busy myself preparing myself and our home, for it is twilight on Father's Eve.